ASK AMY Dater fears he will never be a player
Author of the article:
Amy Dickinson • Special to Postmedia NetworkPublishing date:
Nov 12, 2021 • 30 minutes ago • 3 minute read • Join the conversation
Dating is a lot like a tennis match, writes Amy. Photo by file photo /Getty Images Reviews and recommendations are unbiased and products are independently selected. Postmedia may earn an affiliate commission from purchases made through links on this page.
Article contentDear Amy: I’m a man in my late-50s.
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Article contentI’m currently dating â€" or trying to date.
It’s clear to me now that I’ll never know women, so please explain what just happened here: I met a woman on a dating app, and we had one of those perfect first dates â€" lots of laughs, lots of agreement, finishing each other’s sentences, easily planning the next date.
At the end I kissed her, and she kissed me back.
Second date, I made dinner. We had a great time and great conversation. We had agreed beforehand that this was not an overnight. Another good date, and at the end, we kissed.
Third date was dinner and a play. At dinner I walked around to her chair and kissed her, and she kissed me back.
But by now I was realizing that I was the only one reaching in for a kiss.
She didn’t pull back or shy away, but she never initiated it.
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Article contentSo, at the end of the date, I refrained from kissing her.
Later on, I texted her and pointed out the fact that I had deliberately not kissed her, and she responded, “I know, and that made me want to kiss you!â€
What the heck does that even mean?
Not long after that she showed her character by ghosting me, so I’m comforted by the fact that I didn’t lose much.
â€" Confused by Women
Dear Confused: You seem to excel at the mechanics and dynamic of wooing: (Third-date dinner and a play? Well done!)
I can’t speak for all women (or even some women), and yet â€" the dynamic you describe as baffling seems â€" to me â€" to be simple human nature. When you retreat a bit, creating space, another person will instinctively move forward.
All the same, developing a sexual/romantic relationship can seem like participating in a tennis match choreographed by Twyla Tharp. You volley, she returns. You advance, she meets you at the net. You step back, she does a grand jete.
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Article contentYou have done nothing wrong. You noticed a pattern and communicated about it. She then told you exactly what you needed to know: when you held back, it created a desire in her.
Her return text might have brought on a round of fun flirtation. Instead, you seem flummoxed.
There are times when two people simply crash together. This is rare and wonderful.
For all of those other times, I suggest that you initiate less kissing and instead do more … leaning. Physical closeness, eye contact, a touch on the arm will telegraph your interest. If she’s into you, she’ll show it. You should let her.
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Dear Amy: I have been divorced from the father of my two children for over 20 years. Our children are adults now but were quite young at the time of our divorce.
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Article contentMy ex-husband was physically and verbally abusive.
My older sister has been friends on Facebook with him for years.
I know this because my ex-husband mentioned it and joked about her extreme political posts.
I asked her about it several years ago and she said she was Facebook friends with him because she wanted to see his photos of my children.
I did not like her answer but did not press the issue.
I feel betrayed by her.
Yesterday, I asked her again about it and she defended it again with the same answer but said she would remove him as a friend from Facebook (for me).
I still feel betrayed. How do I get over this feeling of betrayal?
â€" Loyal Sibling
Dear Loyal: The way for you to recover from this persistent feeling would be for you to reframe your sister’s choice as a blunder or a mistake. The word “betrayal†is loaded, and while this word may accurately describe the way you feel, detaching from the word will help you to detach from the feeling.
Understand that your sister has the right to connect with anyone on Facebook.
If this hurts your feelings, you should tell her so.
Dear Amy: I am glad you explained credit card “churning†to your readers.
My brother got into this, big time, goaded along by message boards on the internet.
Unfortunately, in trying to game the system, the system ended up gaming him.
He landed even more in debt, and now his credit is ruined.
â€" Concerned
Dear Concerned: While this practice isn’t illegal, people who try it need to be organized â€" and pay their bills on time!
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